Dear Smilodon Disrexus,
Is it legal to shoot zombies? The other day I was in Lowe’s, sporting basic face protection as one does these days, and a fellow looked at me like he wanted to rip my face off. I adjusted my focus (as you suggest) and saw that he was undead — all rotted out and dripping puss and that sort of thing. I wasn’t sure if I could shoot him, so I walked away. But at that point I could see that at least half the shoppers were similarly afflicted and were hovering around in a way that made me uncomfortable. One of them even had tentacles growing out his nostrils. Disgusting! I got out of there in one piece but was unable to buy new toilet seats, which are desperately needed in my household.
Shopping would have been easier if I could have dropped a few of them, but I wasn’t sure of the legal ramifications. Can you advise? I’d ask a lawyer, but they’re so expensive, and I don’t trust internet search results.
Sincerely,
A Concerned Citizen
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for the thoughtful question. The legality of shooting zombies or any other form of undead is not a settled matter in U.S. law. This is complicated by the fact that all forms of undead have metamorphic stages, so it is possible that some of the shoppers you encountered were in a transitional state. Normal self-defense statutes would apply, we believe. But be careful — a zombie looking at you crosseyed and approaching you directly is a clear sign of aggression, but there is no guarantee a jury would see a shooting as justified.
You may have better luck in stand-your-ground states, but be careful about that as well. These same states tend to give preferred and protected legal status to zombies. Zombiehood is highly valued in some communities and is regarded as a matter of personal liberty, not to be impeded or infringed upon by anyone. Moreover — even if the shooting were to be ruled self-defense, you might be open to a civil lawsuit by the zombie’s aggrieved family.
Basically, as a nonzombie, you are expected to suck it up and hope you don’t get your face ripped off.
Good luck. Get some body armor and keep your aerobic conditioning up. You’re going to need it.
Sincerely,
S. Disrexus